Rules of Modern Conversation

Updated: Jun 5



The subtle art of conversation may be mastered if one follows the rules.


-Do not talk about money. Most people do not have enough by their own estimation and this causes anxiety. If they do have enough you may embarrass them into admitting it.


-Do not talk about religion or spirituality. This is something to be lived, not questioned. Ever.


-Do not talk sports unless you really know what you are talking about. This is a measure of American athletic intelligence.


-Do talk about the weather. Everyone has something to contribute.


-It is acceptable to talk about music, but only in a superficial way.


-Do not discuss politics. Someone will end up in tears.


-Do not talk about your travels. You will inspire wander envy.


-Do not talk about art or literature. Most people will see this as snobbery and it will alienate them.


-Do gossip. A good mud bath brings everyone down to the same level.


-Do share every detail of your family tree and ethnic background, particularly if you're of European descent.


-Do not talk about your past.


-Do carry business cards.


-Do not offend anyone. EVER!


-Do not complain of aging, ennui, disappointment, unrealized expectations and/or potential, unfulfilled dreams. Only unfettered optimism allowed.


- Do, however, talk about health problems in lieu of the above. If you do not have health problems, make some up.


-Do ask questions to determine someone's socioeconomic status: i.e. What do you do? Where did you go to school? What neighborhood do you live in? Where are you from?


#conversation #satire #socialanxiety

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